This entry was posted on May 28, 2008 at 1:28 pm and is filed under Haiku, Spring, Workshopping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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Nice location!
I can see clouds moving slowly on the water of the rice field.
Is the water mainly orange and purple colors ? Has the train running off already become a silhouette?
Workshopping suggestion: delete ‘the’ in 2nd line and ‘a’ in 3rd line? Too many articles? (I also prefer the ellipsis to appear after one blank space to make it more like a cutting-word.)
on a train. the can of asahi super dry has been drained. water holds so many stories.
i agree about the too many articles/long last line comments. however, this was the best way for me to create the rhythm of the second phrase. also the long last line was an attempt to bring out fully the length and breadth of these ricefields as Moya and Mark may have experienced.
May 28, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Nice location!
I can see clouds moving slowly on the water of the rice field.
Is the water mainly orange and purple colors ? Has the train running off already become a silhouette?
May 29, 2008 at 12:35 am
Workshopping suggestion: delete ‘the’ in 2nd line and ‘a’ in 3rd line? Too many articles? (I also prefer the ellipsis to appear after one blank space to make it more like a cutting-word.)
May 29, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I live in the middle of rice paddies, tanada, and they are full with water … the sunset is the best season indeed to enjoy them !
Your line 3 might need some trimming …
GABI
Ohaga, Misaki Cho, Okayama Prefecture
http://ohaga.blogspot.com/2005/10/gokurakuan.html
.
May 30, 2008 at 8:45 am
Strange, I thought you were on the train as it
travels through the ricefields, looking down on the patchwork
as it reflects the sky. Lovely.
June 3, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I reached the same conclusion, Moya–something about the expanse of the prospect suggested by the plural “fields.”
June 4, 2008 at 11:31 pm
thanks all.
on a train. the can of asahi super dry has been drained. water holds so many stories.
i agree about the too many articles/long last line comments. however, this was the best way for me to create the rhythm of the second phrase. also the long last line was an attempt to bring out fully the length and breadth of these ricefields as Moya and Mark may have experienced.