VI

.

high speed train…

in the flooded ricefields

a patchwork of the evening sky

.

6 Responses to “VI”

  1. Nice location!
    I can see clouds moving slowly on the water of the rice field.
    Is the water mainly orange and purple colors ? Has the train running off already become a silhouette?

  2. Workshopping suggestion: delete ‘the’ in 2nd line and ‘a’ in 3rd line? Too many articles? (I also prefer the ellipsis to appear after one blank space to make it more like a cutting-word.)

  3. I live in the middle of rice paddies, tanada, and they are full with water … the sunset is the best season indeed to enjoy them !

    Your line 3 might need some trimming …

    GABI

    Ohaga, Misaki Cho, Okayama Prefecture
    http://ohaga.blogspot.com/2005/10/gokurakuan.html

    .

  4. Moya Bligh Says:

    Strange, I thought you were on the train as it
    travels through the ricefields, looking down on the patchwork
    as it reflects the sky. Lovely.

  5. I reached the same conclusion, Moya–something about the expanse of the prospect suggested by the plural “fields.”

  6. thanks all.

    on a train. the can of asahi super dry has been drained. water holds so many stories.

    i agree about the too many articles/long last line comments. however, this was the best way for me to create the rhythm of the second phrase. also the long last line was an attempt to bring out fully the length and breadth of these ricefields as Moya and Mark may have experienced.

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