Please stop by for a moon viewing party-It will be interesting to see what responses we have.
I’m afraid to say only the maples vigorously budding here-it was a long, harsh winter.
I sense a tension-and hope-for the coming season in the poem.
Some flower types are truly gorgeous. The magnolia is one. Of another sumptuous flower, Shiki wrote: 白牡丹或夜の月にくづれけり The white peony -/ At the moon, one evening / It crumbled and fell. Late frost spoilt all the magnolias of Saga this year, I am sad to report.
Nice work, Jane; however, if I may make a comment or two: two “just”s in the same poem cheapens it, i feel. As a rule, in the first place, I dislike repetition, expect for a strong statement. Here, it is unnecessary. Best to droop the first “just” and start with “one”.
And “furs” grinds my senses. As I mentioned in another comment, some english words can be both singular and plural, depending on how they are used in the passage. Here, the “s” on fur is totally unnecessary. “Shakes” already has the required “s”.
“S” as a sound is mighty difficult to use properly. It can add so much, and at another moment scare off the reader. Mostly it hisses, tho. Hisssses is more correct.
Aside from these comments, nice image.
As a point of correction to the last comment, ‘Ellis’ is not ‘Jane’ – two completely different people, although both currently reside in the U.S. I rather agree with Richard that omitting the second ‘just’ (and ‘one’, for that matter) might improve the poem. ‘a’ instead? ‘one topmost’ strikes me as something of a tortology, as there can be only one. ‘furs’, I feel, is the whole point of the haiku image here, and is just right for the brown, coat-like calyx of a magnolia.