このスペースは響合いフォーラム「English Haiku Poems」の講座の皆様の場です。御自分の英語ハイクや川柳や短歌などで、訂正を要するかこのままでOKか、面白いかそうでないか、こんなのはどうか(野心作?)、などの意見を聞きたいとき、下の「Leave a Reply」 boxの中にそのpoemと趣旨(必ずしも必須ではありません)を書いて（入力して）、「Post Comment」のボタンをクリックしてください。それについてコメントされる方は、「Leave a reply」ではなくて小さいオレンジ色の 「Reply」 という欄に書き入れて「post」をクリックすれば、対話のようにちょっと右ずれで現れます。どなたでも気軽にご意見をお願いします。講座に参加されていない方のコメント大歓迎です。Poem作者の参考に致したく、活発な御意見交換を希望しています。
This page is designed primarily for the members of the regular Hailstone ‘English Haiku Poems’ class held at Friend Peace House in Kyoto. They may post works in progress and ask for comments/suggestions. Anyone is free to reply to them by writing their comment through the orange word Reply beneath the poem (or the comment) you wish to remark on. Your comment will then appear slightly to the right, as if in conversation. Try to use the beige Leave a Reply box only for the posting of new experimental works.
Icebox 
At a village in Miyagi four months after the Great Quake and Tsunami…
Who planted them?
Morning glories now at their best
In the evacuation grounds.
there appears to be an interesting contrast emerging between line two and three.
is the word “now” in line 2 needed? and, is the first line necessary?
I’m sure Toshi will have his own say later. The question in the 1st line makes me think, “Maybe they were planted by someone who is no longer here!” If Toshi hadn’t mentioned this thought, few readers would make the mental leap in that ominous direction. Perhaps I am wrong with my reading. If right, though, I should add that ominous haiku are very rare, and I believe this one works well. Thanks both to Toshi for the haiku and to Gerald for the comment below. Everyone, try and post comments using the orange reply link immediately beneath the haiku you want to comment on. 響き合いの皆さん、Toshiさんの句はどう思われますか。
Thanks, Gerald and Stephen. I’ve learned a lot from you both. No, the first line is not clear at all!
What I wanted to suggest by the first line is the voluntary suppoeters who went to the rescue of the victims in the initial fase of the disaster. Sowing the seeds of morning glories was one of their operations. Though the activity seemed of little help to the evacuated people then, four months later it turned out to be a great help to those ever-distressed people, encouraging them by their brave full bloom.
So, I tried to make it clearer.
In the evacuation grounds
Morning glories at their best —
Volunteers sowed them.
I look forward to your further help!
Hi Toshi, i like your original 2nd and 3rd line:
Morning glories at their best
In the evacuation grounds
This phrase presents a wonderful contrasting image; Morning glories/evacuation ground.
In addition, the expression “at their best” made me think that the writer either has some personal knowledge of these particular flowers, or that he really knows about the nature of morning glories. For the expression “evacuation ground” I think it’s not important I know what type of evacuation ground, or “zone” it is. Therefore, I can imagine several reasons for one.
My only curiosity was whether the first line was too much of a verbal sentiment, and whether there was a way to incorporate that sentiment into an image? Sorry I wasn’t clear about my thoughts on this point.
Thank you again, Gerald. I am beginning to understand what you mean. So, folloiwing your suggestion, I made it simpler.
Morning glories / at their best — / the evacuation grounds.
Toshi, You have made the haiku very spare and very potent.
The contrast between the GLORY of the morning glories,
and the sense of emptiness of evacuation grounds ( and
disaster producing them) gives the sense of a ghost town – tho
the poet clearly was present. Nonetheless… very poignant.
玉あられ 向こうの空は 青いまま
:TAMAARARE/MUKOUNO SORA HA /AOI MAMA:
Hailstones! The sky in the distance, still remain as blue”
I wondered why the English last line wasn’t “still remains blue”, which would be more normal. Thanks for this hailstone verse. In Japanese, there is also ARARE and HYOU, but TAMA-ARARE gives a nice, rounded, jewel-like image. Did you experience this today or only in your imagination?
stopping —
.. at the traffic lights
autumn mountains
The haiku seems poised to set up a dilemma: do the autumn mountains end nearby this intersection (a possibility in steep-sided Kyoto), or does the poet (probably walking and not driving – but you never know) stop there? I am rather baffled by the punctuation. Perhaps other readers can suggest how to ‘read’ the poem before the author fills us in with his intentions?
信号に 停まりて見れば 山は秋
SINGO NI TOMARITE MIREBA YAMA WA AKI
Thanks for your comment , Stephen.
Never thought of your first reading though.
The japanese translation shows my intentions clearer.
i thought that the changing colours of traffic lights from green to red mirror or suggest the autumn colours changing.
i was in a car stopping at the traffic lights and noticed autumn mountains.my gaze moved from the red light to the mountains.
Lots of interesting things happen i think when we stop the traffic of our thoughts and movement and look at nature.
I love this haiku.
Yes, we have to ‘stop’ from time to time so that we can keep in touch with nature. ‘The traffic lights’ symbolises the hectic daily life, while ‘autumn mountains’ suggests us that the author turns his thoughts inward, that is, away from the daily life.
The primary haiku-puase (kire) is between the 2nd and 3rd lines, isn’t it?
first snow
on the river
seagulls
Wow, that’s early snow, over where you live, Jiko! Presumably, a haiku from last year? The fact that seagulls appear inland at the time when the Japan Sea turns rough in early winter makes Kyoto seagulls almost a kigo (season word) in itself. The poem may not have been composed in Kyoto, though.
As G. has already mentioned (below), what is stressed in the poem depends on whether the reader ‘sees’ the main break as coming at the end of the 1st or 2nd line. Yes, a ‘pivot line’ indeed.
If comments on poems in this section could be made by clicking the reply tab under the poem itself, rather than starting a new stream, it would help the comprehensibility and integrity of the page. Only the haiku posted here are meant to be flush with the left margin. Discussion follows to the right beneath.
nice use of the phrase in line 2 to work as a pivot between the two images. I’ll let others speak in detail about some of the aesthetics of this poem (which I happen to like).
fallen leaves —
not raking
the gravel garden
In order to make this page work better, it would be good if authors could respond to the comments their haiku have received and perhaps confine themselves to posting just one haiku per month here. For a while after a new haiku has been posted, other poets will probably refrain from posting. このページをより効果的にするにはコメントをもらえばそのコメントについて返事を書けばありがたいです。また、同じ方が月一回程度俳句をのせればよいではないでしょうか。俳句をpostしてからしばらくほかの方が俳句をpostするのを遠慮するでしょう。やはり一人月一回でしょう。
That being said, Jiko’s new haiku above is, to me, a good, easy-to-understand haiku, about which it is difficult to say more! How nice to have the choice of raking or not raking a gravel garden.
A true Zen monk leaves the garden unraked.
お正月明けましておめでとうございます
こうさぎの白き尾を見せ逃げにけり
a baby rabbit
runs away ..
showing it’s white tail
A wonderfully simple poem, with simple language to convey the smallness of the images. From “a baby rabbit” to the disappearing of its “white tail”. In addition, for me, this poem offers a certain cuteness, fear, and humor in the language used in the last line.
steam rising
from an iron kettle –
the crackle of charcoal
steam rising
from an iron kettle –
the sound of cracklin’ charcoal
茶釜から
湯気が立っている
炭の音
For me ‘the sound of’ in the second version is definitely superfluous, but I like the contraction of the ‘ing’ as it is drier and more in harmony with the actual sound.
The crackling charcoal (sound/visual) and steam rising (visual/ posssible sound?) presents an interesting effect when combined as you have done. Have you thought about a one liner for the first poem? Perhaps beginning with the third line?
crackle! crack! .. steam bursts .. from an iron pot
how about this version ,Gerald –
now more ambiguous – what is making the sound .. charcoal or pot’s lid?
Lawrence, at first I thought to play around with something like:
the crackle of charcoal… steam rising from an iron kettle
But now, a day later, I think the sequence of images in the first poem has a nicer sense of a relationship between humans and nature. A nicer atmosphere.
smoke-stained walls –
in the dim half-light ..
white camellia
I enjoyed the image of a white camellia glimpsed in the half-light, but the smoke-stained walls did not gel. My mind cannot decide where you are… and it does matter.
light snowfall –
the crackle of charcoal embers
in the tea room
淡雪や 残り火かすか 薄茶席
spring snow –
for a moment it whitens ..
the pale pink buds
This has a nice cadence, but I feel the punctuation may be redundant at the end of the second line. More importantly though, as snow inevitably does whiten anything it falls on, I find the poetic point slight, almost too delicate: merely an observation of the changing season? In saying this, I am opening the stage so that someone can disagree with me……
I too feel the suggestion of the changing of the seasons. I also sense a final battle perhaps, between two forces of nature, as the snow melts quickly and gives way to the new growth. I think this scene; “… snow/ for a moment whitens/ the pale pink buds”, presents two colorful and fragile images, as well as confirming a final transition into spring. In addition to eliminating the punctuation at the end of line 2, I think the word “spring” in line 1 may be redundant (the “buds” suggest that spring is near). Perhaps something like “morning snowー” or “snowfall”, or ____ , could be used?
on the surface of the pond
they are mirrored ..
double-flowered cherry trees
‘surface’ may be implied without mentioning it, but its ‘f’ sound helps to build the poem’s melody and prefigures ‘double-flowered’. This is a beautiful image and would have been spoilt by including a photo of the same thing. It is a self-contained word-picture. Also, it is a poetic spell!
on the surface of the pond: up now on the top page.
over Uji river –
the wisteria spray also ..
a fragrance of roasted tea
宇治川や
藤花房も
茶の匂い
Uji is at its best in spring – the surging river, new green leaves, the flowering wisteria (espec. the one at Byodo-in), the first flush of tender tea leaves being picked. Somehow your haiku has it all, and yet doesn’t quite hang together, mainly because of the use of ‘also’. Presumably it means ‘and also’. Another problem is melding the highly fragrant wisteria with the scent of roasted tea. It needs a tweak. Perhaps someone else can suggest a revision?
Yes, the melding appears to be quite a challenge if that’s what ljkob wants to do. Or is there a conflict going on? If it’s the former, perhaps “spray”, “fragrance”, and “roasted”, might be too much to digest in two short lines? Furthermore, I believe Uji is known in Japan as a tea growing area. With this in mind, perhaps the “tea” line might be more useful before the “wisteria” line. My 2 cents (which is much less than 2 yen these days):
over Uji riverー
the fragrance of roasted tea;
and wisteria
back & forth
across the Uji river
the scent of tea
the scent of wisteria
Thanks S & G for the comments – much appreciated-
” lilac- blossoms –
in Uji ..
a scent of roasted tea”
I feel this works better – ?
“cloud-covered night
at the observatory –
stunned by the flitter of fireflies”
Thanks for sharing this, Jiko. I feel the experience vividly. Might I suggest the dropping of ‘the flitter of’?
at the same moment
I light a cigarette ..
a lighting strike !
Typo : correction
” a lightnin’ strike “
Certainly this is a haiku moment worth recording! I enjoyed the typo, as it conveyed a power cut, but realized it was lightning that you meant. I find your new truncation of the ‘g’ troubling. The right word correctly typed will suffice. Perhaps others may find satisfying nuances in your abbreviation.
midsummer …
dropping a bucket
into a deep well
Very good, Jiko. Would like to use this in the next Inbox post on the top page!
Your Kiyotaki River (cap. R, please) one below is almost classical in feel. Someone may disagree with me, but it could have been written by any of the masters! Mild personification, such as ‘drowning’, is one of the poet’s most useful techniques, even in haiku.
drowning the cicada’s song
the swift currents of
the Kiyotaki river
thanks for the comment Tito-san – please post elsewhere . so glad that you enjoyed it – you introduced me to the Kiyotaki River last year – it is wonderful on a hot day & i went there yesterday to cool off.
“misty mountains –
mirrored in a lake …
bitten by midges”
Familiar territory for me. Scotland? The dash is, I feel, unwarranted by syntax. As a gen. rule, one break only in a haiku. The real break is after ‘lake’. Nice image contrast, and so true to the northwest in summer. ‘midge’ is a season word.
onto the barnacled rocks
the salted spray …
of sea
(Iveragh peninsula, County Kerry, Ireland)
praying the rich
beating the drum on the float
all the boys
in the hamlet
This is a good picture of a rural festival, but I wonder if you mean ‘praying for prosperity’ in a general sense (good health, enough to eat, work for all)?
Thank you very much.When I was a boy the rural festival were 田祭り（rice paddy festival) and 秋祭り（autumn festival).This festival is rice
paddy festival.So, ‘rich’ means a good crop of rice and vegetables.
祭りの日は小中学生の少年たちが自作の小さな夜たか行燈を手に持って豊年万作の歌を歌いながら、村落を練り歩きました。そのかたわらで源義経などの武将を描いた特大の行燈を車に乗せ、中学生の少年が大太鼓を叩いて豊年万作を祈ったのです。
“branches of the pine
already bent into shape
the autumn wind”
“the sound of a flute
through the pines
faintly autumn”
(written at Genjuan, Otsu, Shiga / 17.9.12)
(Visited Basho’s “Hut of the Phantom Dwelling” today – also later Ishiyama temple and his gravestone at Gichu-Ji – so felt inspired to write)
Our haibun contest is named after the first place. What is your name, please? The haiku sound rather familiar…
Hi Stephen – Lawrence ..
hope to enter the Genjuan haibun contest again ..
Gichu-ji was very inspiring also but Genjuan was a bit too new and modern, very different from his description of crumbling walls & leaking roofs .
The present Genjuan building is a fairly recent restoration, I know, but you need to be able to go (or at least see) inside. Did you? Hailstone had a memorable reading meet there a number of years ago… and the spring where Basho must have collected his water still drips. If you climb up a little way above the cottage, you can find a great rock and the area used by B as a ‘monkey’s perch’. You can gaze out over the mountain scene he describes so vividly. Did you manage to find that?
Sorry, but I don’t really spark on either of your poems this time. The first, for example, might either imply that the branches have already been bent by years of rough weather, or perhaps they have been deliberately constricted by a gardener? A less open-ended expression might have served better. Others may disagree and like the images, though.
in the caldera –
the flowing lava of
crimson maples
(Mt. Daisen, Oct. 22 2012)
Nice one, Jiko. Failed to notice it at the time.
Hope to see you this Thursday 13.6.13 with a small sketch or painting.
I believe, if you can only find the time, our collaborative haiga project might be right up your street.
first shrine visit …
on a white sheet of paper
I write my first wish
初もうで
白紙にしるす
初願い
“June night …
blue neon
another fly gets zapped”
(Haiku at Fugengama 普限窯, June 6th)
tensaku returned at HF class.
star-encrusted clay vase
through a crack
the Cosmos
信楽焼
破れて咲きし
コスモス
i like, but i think the word “clay” stops the music. is it really needed?
the capital C of cosmos threw me. that means the Universe, but you mean the daisy-type autumn flowers…
Thanks for the comments –
re-write :
“flowers of cosmos –
peek through a pile of
Shigaraki potsherds”
I must’ve misread your original verse. I understood the cosmos to mean universe. I like the idea of managing to see the cosmos through a crack in what could be an old, star-encrusted vase. A bit of mystery I think. Also, as I said earlier, I like the music of the verse (k sound in each line). I prefer the original to the rewrite.
reflected in
the ‘nigori’ saké guinomi . . .
clear bright moon
L, can you give us a hint about ‘guinomi’, please?
a guinomi is a cup for drinking saké
another version could be:
“reflected in
the cloudy saké cup –
hazy moon”
but I prefer the contrast of ‘nigori’ cloudy & clear moon in the first haiku
Certainly don’t want the hazy moon of spring, so how about:
reflected in the cup
of clouded sake
clear, bright moon
Thanks S for the tensaku –
The reading is much clearer now to understand, if not the saké!
“among the ruins
entwined with the great root
of a strangler fig”
(Angkor Wat, December 2013)
the ruined temple –
tree-roots have cracked open
the buddha’s head
the ruined temple –
torn apart / held together
by the roots of trees
(from ‘Clear Light’ by Alan Spence, a favourite contemporary haiku poet)
Happy New Year Wishes! May 2014 glow with success for you all at Icebox! Grateful Thanks for workload that you accomplish here!
****
grey-ridden sky —
January seems to rip down
all leaves off the trees
****
metre of snow –
sunshine on the roof it slides off
with a thump
a metre of snow
on the roof ____ it slips off
with a thud
Anon. is most probably Gerald in Singapore, I should think
celadon –
the tingling sound
on opening the kiln
tinging or pinging rather than tingling (which is a sensation). the sound augurs great excitement
Thank you for the comment, S. Yes, ting is the right word.
opening the kiln –
the ting of
bluish-white celadon
celadon
with a tint of blue
. . ting . . ting
not a sound, not a ripple
just the reflection
of Kinkaku-ji
Old Roads – haibun by Jiko
(nearly short-listed for 2014 Genjuan haibun contest)
Rounding a bend, I pulled out of the narrow river-valley road into the vast expanse, framed by shaggy cedar and bamboo-covered mountain slopes. A pale mist clung to the slopes, the patchwork of fields, which on my last visit was dry & brown, was now covered with a fresh sprinkling of January snow. I followed the narrow roads clustered at the foot of the mountains and passed a shrine & a bamboo grove that concealed ancient kiln sites from various centuries. The morning sun shone dimly through the haze of a silvery-gray sky as I passed an old crumbling climbing kiln that had seen its last firing a century ago & pulled up the bumpy drive leading to Sawa Kiyotsugu’s studio with its pair of wood-burning kilns.
I got out of the car & stared momentarily at the star-encrusted soil (the crusty nature of the soil here is due to the abundance of feldspar granules which characterises the works of the local potters). Sawa sensei’s studio with its tiled roof & weathered beams had the usual artistic disarray of pots scattered around, some were placed on plinths. As I was admiring their natural fired textures the master potter appeared. I was here to help with the firing. We split some logs, cleaned the kiln shelves & prepared the kiln loading. As it grew dark I headed back into town & stayed for the night at a nearby inn.
Next morning we finished the loading: traditional water containers for tea-ceremony, large tsubo jars, tea bowls, gourd-shaped saké flasks & flower vases.Then we closed the mouth of the kiln with bricks & mortar, leaving a gap at the base for a small bundle of twigs to start the firing. We offered saké to the kiln gods & sprinkled salt for purification, after bowing to the altar, we lit the fire. As twilight was setting in, a light snow began to fall which soon turned to sleet, it was soon time to return to Kyoto.
“Under these pine-covered hillsides
Of remnant snow …
We light a fire”
April rain –
a golden carp takes shelter
under Kinkaku-ji
lingering cold –
the cry of a crow
through the shōji
it’s nice to have some activity at this page, Jiko. Thanks. My feeling is that possibly the haiku would be better if the last two lines were reversed. The cadence is better. It certainly is a cold poem!
Thanks for the tensaku Tito, much better now
Unusually late sleet
many yuzues are sparkling —
my kitchen garden
(Yoshiharu)
I haven’t seen this section for a long time. Please give me some pieces advise.Thank you.
The first part seems to suggest surprise and excitement: the unusually late arrival of the sleet, and its effect on the yuzus.
The second part introduces a somewhat private place (my garden).
My first impression is that the word – unusually – might be too much. I’m guessing that you want to present a vivid scenery combining the yuzus and the sleet.
Perhaps you could introduce the place image first. And then present the image of the event. Maybe you can enhance the sparkling of the yuzus by shifting this moment to the night time.
First sleet
on the kitchen garden –
citrons sparkle through
You mean that the first sleet this year is unusually late, right? That’s a bit too much to put into your haiku. I agree with Gerald on that. In English, ‘yuzu’ is ‘citron’. My suggested revision along the lines of what G has proposed is given above. Hope these comments help.
Thank you Gerald.Thank you Tito.I agree your comment and revision.
老いらくの柚子生気満つ初時雨
How do you translate this haiku ?
A winter crow
quarreling with the monkey —
on the top of the dead pine
‘The’ vs. ‘a’. The use of articles in haiku is subtle, and there are usually lots of nuance options. Perhaps you have too many articles in this haiku? ‘Atop the dead pine’ as last line would eliminate one of them. I’m unsure if the additional information that the pine is ‘dead’ helps or not. A good place for an argument?! A moment worth recording. Thanks.
Thank you very mucu for your comment.I adapted it thus.
A winter crow
quarreling with a stray monkey —
on the top of the pine
at the lakeside
last 2 lines could be made into one (suggestion):
atop the lakeside pine
I agree your comment.Thank you for your suggestion.
hope to see at Itami tomorrow!
A stray monkey
swaying himself on the top of the pine —
the first day of spring
Describing the monkey as “stray” presents some mystery.
“himself” may not be needed.
A stray monkey swaying
on the top of “a” pine
The 3rd line might work better now as a 1st line?
Thank you very much for your てんさくand comment,Gerald.
I adapted it thus.
The first day of spring —
a stray monkey swaying
on the top of a pine
What do you think of it ?
The image of the stray monkey is mysterious and interesting to me.
The first line may be a little long, and it makes the poem into a complete story. In addition, lines 1 and 2 rhyme: “spring” and “swaying”. I think these points weaken the monkey image.
A short first line might help open the poem up.
spring mist . . .
temple bell . . .
spring fever . . .
spring sun . . .
Sorry. I forgot to write my name.
A spring rain —
two crows are sitting still so long
atop the lakeside pine
the article “A” can be omitted in line one. There’s a smoother rhythm without it.
“so long” hints at the observers feelings.
The rain could suggest that the crows are waiting for it to stop? Is that your intention?
Thank you very much for your comment,Gerald.
I adapted it thus.What do you think of it ?
Funeral bell —
a stray monkey swaying
atop of a pine
Spring rain —
two crows are idly sitting so long
atop the lakeside pine
Funeral bell is quite heavy. A strong human presence to begin. Is this the main feeling/mood you want to evoke?
Thank you Gerald.This main feeling is a stray monkey swaying.
An early summer breeze–
a stray monkey swaying
atop of a pine
What do you think of it?
Have selected a tweaked version of these two haiku for our Inbox 39. Please see the top page. I hope this is OK?
I see. ” An early summer breeze” seems to share something many of us could have experienced. We know what it feels like. Perhaps the monkey has climbed to the top of a pine to enjoy the full force of the breeze as well as get a good view of the scenery? This version puts the reader in one season, the images are clear, and the rhythm from line 1 to line 2 is smooth. You don’t need the hyphen at the end of line 1 to signal a break, our kireji. The break comes naturally after saying the word “breeze”. Also, I think “at the top of a pine” can make the rhythm better at the end of the poem.
——————–
I also like the idea of the changing season in the first version. For me, the season changing from winter to spring made the “stray monkey” seem more mysterious. However, I just wondered if the end rhyme between line 1 and line 2 might be too strong, and as a result, we lose the fact that the monkey is stray. The rhyme might be okay for some. I wonder what others think . . . ?
The first day of spring —
a stray monkey swaying
on the top of a pine
Sunrise on the New Year’ Day
praying for happiness and peace
A lakeside Zen master
The image of a zen master is not clear to me. Is it a priest, or a teacher? How is this person praying? sitting, kneeling, standing? I think line 2 tells too much . . .
Sunrise on the New Year’s Day praying for something
an old Zen master in his garden
Heavy snowfall all day —
removing,fighting,removing,fighting,
a white-eyes looking about
something to eat
Daylong snow. 2nd line not understood. White-eyes (little birds) searching for food
I think lines 2 and 4 tell too much. Using Stephen’s “daylong snow”, perhaps one image, or one part of this poem, could be:
a white eye digs and digs
into the daylong snow
Add another image, or emotion, that will help show your experience with this event.
Thank you Stephen and Gerald.I tried to make two haikus .
Getting the path over and over again —
a white-eye digs and digs
into the daylong snow
Clearing my snowy kitchen garden repeatedly —
white-eyes dig and dig
into the daylong snow
Surely the tiny white-eyes (mejiro) are not digging in the snow, but pecking along the snowy branches of trees looking for grubs? All the while, it is snowing heavily. If my understanding of your original haiku is correct, then how about…?
In my garden trees
white-eyes squabble & forage –
day-long snow
I agee. Digging would be too strong for a small bird. I think Stephen’s “squabbling” and “foraging” seems to cover the two actions of the bird in your original (removing, fighting) .
“Squabbling” also adds a contrast to the quiet, in a day of snow. To make this contrast clearer, how about . . .
squabbling white-eyes
foraging in my garden (trees)
daylong snow
I see that Stephen has put the birds in the trees, and you have them on the ground?
Thank you Tito and Gerald .I had a white-eye and some bulbuls in my garden tree.And I had them next tree.The white-eye was trying to dig the oak tree next coppice.
Foraging white-eye in a panic
sometimes digging the oak tree—
day- long snow
Through the yellow leaves
a white wintry gentle full moon —
alarm of deer nearby
Yoshiharu
One thing to consider: there are too many adjectives in line 2: ‘a wintry white full moon’ might be acceptable. I’ll leave someone else to comment on your last line.
Thank you Tito. I revised it.
Through the yellow leaves
a wintry white full moon —
a black cat running away
Gerald?
In line 1 and 2, yellow leaves and wintry moon seems like a double kigo?
In line 2, winter moon should be enough.
What does line three imply?
Rice shochu
on the bitter persimmons —
enjoying home-made fruit
warming at the portable kotatsu
the New Year
Yoshiharu
A pair of bulbul
pecking at the coral bush —
pushing little birds
in heavy snow
bulbuls
colon looks better than dash (as dash seems to bisect a 4-liner)
pushing means what?
Thank you Stephen.
“pushing”means くちばしで おいはらう.
A pair of bulbuls
pecking at the coral bush :
shoving away little birds
in heavy snow
Two bulbuls
usurp the coral bush –
heavy snow
‘usurp’ implies there were other birds but the bulbuls have taken over. I didn’t like the parallel verbs. This is a minimalistic version for your reference.
A nice color-contrasting scenery with snow and coral bush. What is the name of the smaller birds that were being pushed away?
I agree with Stephen’s suggestion to find a word, or a phrase, that could imply the bulbuls’ behavior in competing for the coral bush.
I wonder if the first line should begin with snow?
in heavy snow
two bulbuls usurping
the coral bush
or, a one line poem?
in heavy snow bulbuls win the battle for the coral bush
Thank you very much Gerald.The name of the smaller birds are ‘shirohara(シロハラ）’.How do you say ‘shirohara’in English ?
‘pale thrush’ is the English name, though we don’t have them in Europe
Thank you very much Tito.
Atop of the old pine tree
two crows are always sitting silently
early spring morning
Sorry for delay, Yoshiharu, but busy making another anthology at present, this time of haibun. How about sending me this or another one for the first HF class on 4/12? よしはるさんのハイクがピックアップされている本のリビューも持っていきます。お久しぶりにお会いできるといいですね。池大雅展の誘いもメールで送りました。
Early spring morn —
again, that pair of silent crows
atop the old pine
… might be one way of sharpening your verse (22 sylls. is now 17)
Thank you very much Tito.
Tensaku version of this is now up in ‘from the Icebox inbox’ posting on the top page. Thanks.
Thank you very much,Tito.
The smell of honeysuckles…
The night lights up
with the first lightning bolts
As Gerald already commented, can we lose the ‘s’ of honeysuckle, please? Would you be happy to reverse lines 2 and 3, I wonder? Then ‘the first’ wouldn’t seem awkward. I propose including this revised haiku on the top page in our next ‘from the Icebox inbox’ posting (in preparation now). OK?
I like the contrast between the two images (smell of honeysuckles/lightning bolts).
I wonder if “honeysuckle” in singular form would make an easier reading, and if “the first” is needed in the 3rd line?
A black caterpillar
Eating taro’s big leaf —
In a long dry weather
Yoshiharu
a nice, quiet image.
2nd line is unnatural Eng.
remember: a dash separates and ‘in’ joins. どっち？a separating break is best, so no ‘in’.
a long dry ‘spell’ (better than ‘weather’ or ‘period’).
Thank you very much,Tito.”a long dry spell”という表現がいいですね。
You will see a tensaku version of this verse on the latest ‘Icebox inbox’ posting on the top page. Thanks.
A black caterpillar
Eating Taro’s big leaf —
A long dry spell
Another again
Young crepe myrtle tree
Your petals fall so sudden
Do not be so scared
Such noisy blackbirds
Arguing atop my roof
Tell me spring has come
Graceful heron looks
Past his own still reflection
Finds the fish beneath
Although you did not leave this at the Submissions page, I noticed it and have taken the third one for inclusion in the Icebox inbox posting on the top page. Thanks.
A terrible virus
going around the world
by human error or・・・
in the neglected local forest
honewort-azaleas in bloom
I adapt this tanka.
A terrible coronavirus
going around the world
by human error or natural disaster?
in the neglected local forest
azaleas in bloom
Even as a tanka, a bit too wordy perhaps. For example, you could either cut ‘terrible’ or ‘corona’ in line 1. ‘plan’ would be shorter than ‘disaster’ in line 3.
Recently I have also felt the strange disjunction between the crumbling of our human systems and the pristine energy of nature and the seasons continuing as before, yet even more poignantly before our eyes. We should use this warning to think more about nature, right? Not only as individuals, but as mankind, too.
Thank you very much for your comment. I adapt it.
A terrible virus
going around the world
by natural plan or human error ?
in the neglected local forest
azaleas in full bloom
I agree your opinion.I am anxious about the neighboring neglected local forest and many unused farmlands.I think
we must make use of many local forests and uncultivated
farmlands in Japan.
hiding behind the calla
two turtles dived in the pond —
once I took a picture
Extend emergency —
carp are swimming leisurely
in the village shrine
I like this one, Y. ‘Emergency extended’ might be a better 1st line. ‘in the village pond’ or ‘in the shrine pond’, perhaps easier to understand than ‘in the village shrine’? ‘pond’ is important.
Thank you very much ,Tito.
Emergency extended—
carp are swimming leisurely
in the shrine pond
Emergency extended—
some schoolchildren go to the food bank
others study on-line
Perhaps suggesting a social divide, and maybe a technological or educational divide for one image is too heavy?
It seems like the heart of your poem might be “school children go to the food bank.” Can you develop/extend this idea without telling about the “others…”
Thank you very much for your advice.I try to adapt it.
Please correct .
Emergency extended —
a school children go to the food bank
helping with the household chores
I thought your original was trying to suggest a social divide, or technological divide, or educational divide among primary school children? Did I misunderstand the experience you were trying to share?
Maybe one image for your school children is enough.
Emergency extended –
school children in line too
at the food bank
Thank you very much for your comment and tennsaku.
I’m sorry.I misunderstood your advice.
Sosui (NY) chose this poem for the new ‘from the Icebox inbox – 46’ post on the top page, Yoshiharu. There, many will read it. Thanks to you (and Gerald).
continuing emergency
cuckoos unexpected chirping loudly —
message of peaceful summer ?
2020.05.20 in the coppice near Biwa Lake
continuing emergency
chirping loudly cockoo cockoo —
leaving their eggs in other nests
message of the start of a new life ?
cries of cuckoos one time
what happened to them after that
a heavy cloudy sky
For me, the last of the three is the best, Yoshiharu – the least complicated and with resonance. Plural cuckoos with ‘one time’ is a bit confusing, so how about
for just one day / cuckoos cried, then disappeared — / heavy cloud
Thank you very much for your comment and tennsaku.とてもprofound haikuになりました。
abruptly a cuckoo cried —
do you feel lonely too?
pandemic continued
a cuckoo sings loudly —
do you feel lonely or not?
too long pandemic !
loudly, lonely, long …
In your Aug 29 and Aug 31 poems the expression of loneliness seems key. Who speaks of their loneliness? – the cuckoo, or the poet? The ambiguity is intriguing.
I read each poem as having 3 parts. This seems okay, but I wonder if the phrasing in the 3rd line can be smoother?
#1 – from Aug 29 / Aug 31 versions: (3 part poem)
a cuckoo (calls) loudly —
do you feel lonely too?
this (ceaseless) pandemic
I think “call” might add more depth to the mood because you use the words “lonely” and “pandemic.”
——————————–
Or, you can try to combine lines 2 & 3 to express one thought?
#2 – from Aug 29/Aug 31 versions: (2 part poem)
a cuckoo (calls) loudly —
do you feel lonely too
in this (ceaseless)
pandemic?
trees feel very thirsty
idly looking for the lake
praying for rain
Thanks for the submissions, Yoshiharu. I have been away in Nara and have much to do to catch up with deskwork these next few days. Perhaps editors Gerald or Nobuyuki might notice this and comment about your English? If not, I’ll try to come back to you sometime after HF class on 10th.
Thank you very much Tito.お元気でお過ごしください。
Thank you very much for your advice,tensaku and comment ,Gerald. i
agree with you both of them. It was very helpful to me.
I adapt my haiku.
a cuckoo calls loudly —
do you feel lonely too ?
this ceaseless pandemic
Lovely daffodils
it’s getting old day by day —
in my handmade vase
Yoshiharu
すみません。まちがえてAnonymous says になりました。
beautiful daffodils
it’s growing old age —
in my handmade vase
line 1. i think the image of the daffodils can bring to mind their pleasurable qualities. perhaps there is no need to tell the reader they are “beautiful.” however, adding color might be one way to enhance the flowers’ visual appeal.
line 3. those daffodils in “my handmade vase” is interesting. i think it suggests things the reader can imagine about the poet’s relationship with flowers.
line 2 is the tricky line. flowers are delicate. i imagine that the daffodils were cut, or were pulled from the earth. i can sense the poets’ sentiment about what is happening to them, but, i wonder if the phrase “growing old” best describes what is really happening to them?
Anonymous is gerald.
Thank you very much Gerald.I got some hints from your comment.
Yellow daffodils
it’s getting old age —
in my handmade vase
If what has happened to the daffs is that they are beginning to dry out, then possibly the following might work? ‘look’ means appearance 様子
Yellow daffodils
in my handmade vase —
their weary look
Thank you very much for your comment.
Yellow daffodils are beginning to dry out,but they are really full of life in
my handmade vase.I can not feel their weary look.
It’s Gerald again. Thanks for sharing your feeling behind the phrase “growing old age.” It reminds me of the often quoted phrase “growing old gracefully.”
Perhaps you’ve said the poem in your reply to Tito?:
The yellow daffodils
still full of life
in my handmade vase
Thank you very much Tito.
Thank you very much Gerald.
I adapt my haiku.
Yellow daffodils in my garden
growing old gracefully ,still full of life
in my handmade vase
Yellow daffodils in the garden
growing old gracefully
still full of life
in my handmade vase
cultivating the field
in the first spring gale
a blackout !
two varied tits
came from the coppise
fused into cherry blossom
Selected by Sosui for inbox 49!
magnolia like aprincess
swaying in the spring breeze
the temple bell
magnolias like a princess
swaying in the spring breeze
the temple bell
Yoshiharu, do you need “swaying” and “breeze” in the same line?
a magnolia like a princess; magnolias like princesses
——————————-
magnolias like princesses
in the spring breeze
the temple bell
I do not need “swaying” and “breeze” in the same line.
Thank you very much for your comment.