Experimental Space – 英語で俳句 SBC, Osaka

このスペースは千里中央・千里文化センター「英語で俳句」の講座の皆様の場です。御自分の英語ハイクや川柳や短歌などで、訂正を要するかこのままでOKか、面白いかそうでないか、こんなのはどうか(野心作?)、などの意見を聞きたいとき、下の「Leave a Reply 」boxの中にそのpoemと趣旨(必ずしも必須ではありません)を書いて(入力して)、「Post Comment」のボタンをクリックしてください。それについてコメントされる方は、「Leave a Reply」ではなくて小さいオレンジ色の「Reply」という欄に書き入れて「post」をクリックすれば、対話のようにちょっと右ずれで現れます。どなたでも気軽にご意見をお願いします。講座に参加されていない方のコメント大歓迎です。Poem作者の参考に致したく、活発な御意見交換を希望しています。

This page is designed primarily for the members of the regular ‘English Haiku’ class at the Senri Culture Center in Senri Chuo, Osaka. They may post works in progress and ask for comments/suggestions. Anyone is free to reply to them by writing their comment through the orange word Reply  beneath the poem (or the comment) you wish to remark on. Your comment will then appear slightly to the right, as if in conversation. Try to use the Leave a Reply box only for the posting of new experimental works.

29 Responses to “Experimental Space – 英語で俳句 SBC, Osaka”

  1. YBC の皆さん、やり方は’Leave a Reply’というboxの中に自分のexperimental workを見せる。それでPost commentをクリック。

    ほかの方は後でそれを読んでコメントをしたければ、小さいオレンジ色のことば’Reply’をクリックします。例えば、亀さんの「threatening」という句のすぐ下の’Reply’をやってみませんか。それで開くwindowの中に自分のコメントを書けば、postすれば、今度少し右ずれでそのコメントが現れます(私の亀さんの句についてのコメントみたいに)。それだったら、どんどんおなじ句について右の方へそれについてのコメントは重なってくるわけです。いつもその句のすぐ下の’comments’で。

    というのは新しい作品を出すときだけLeave a Replyというboxを使う。対話が続くようなコメントは’Reply’という言葉を使ってみてください。

    皆さんは一カ月以内やり方を覚えると期待しています!

    • threateningがなんとも不気味な感じです。2行目3行目のred kingfisherがすいすいと池の水面を気持ちよく飛んでいるさまと対照的です。雨に大雨になる前兆なのでしょうか?梅雨時も局地的に大雨になり、被害が大きい所もありました。赤翡翠の美しい姿や池のあたりの素敵な光景に対して、悪いドラマ(災害)が起こるかのような感じがします。アカショウビン自体ちょっと恐ろしい感じがたしかにしますね。美人には棘があることもありますから。

      • Please leave your name when you publish a comment. どなたさまですか。

      • すみません。クリックを間違えました。このように感じたことだけでもいいのでしょうか?

      • わかりました。上のAnonymousさまは嘉治さんでした。threateningとして大雨の前触れの意味を取れればすごくいい俳句だと思います。問題はもしかしたら両意味がありすぎ。しかしopen-ended haikuを好む人々は喜ぶでしょう。他のYBCクラスの方はどう思っていらっしゃるでしょうか。A good way to start our experimental space. Thanks, Hisashi!

      • Threatening can mean threatening to rain but it also suggests kingfisher :the bird is trheatening, for my instant wikipedia knowledge tells me that the red kingfisher is carnivorous and he/she may be fliting around over the pond in search for its prey in the pond. According to the wikipedia it has a big red beak out of porportion to its body.

        So threatening is both for the atmosphere before thunder storm and the redkingfisher, open ended but has the effect to make the reader to share the momnt before something dreadful happens. Alkira at YBC

  2. Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

    threatening –

    a red kingfisher flits

    over the forest pond

    (red kingfisher: aka-shoubin 赤翡翠)

    • My comment:
      Interesting, open-ended image contrast. Because of the dash, ‘threatening’ might describe a nearby storm and not the kingfisher itself. Ursula will probably like the verb you’ve chosen, ‘flits’. どうですか、アカショウビン自体がちょっと恐ろしいと思いますか。

    • Such a dramatic opening ! Suddenly I was simultaneously below the water with fish sharing a shadowy tension and in the skies, flitting as the kingfisher. This haiku offers colour and motion and
      sensation. How rich.

      Currently I am exploring ‘dynamic verbs’ as an Hibikiai Forum
      theme (Nov 10, 2011 – welcome, welcome.) To date , the musings have mostly been ‘animal’ verbs. “Flits’ is a lovely evocative word – one that fitted the transluscent bats over the evening waters at Gojo Ohashi perfectly. Here the verb is less ‘ethereal’ but has a lovely quick, darting lightness. How fascinating that the same verb can denote a different sense of density!

    • “threatening” is good expression and make me some expecta-
      tion for succeeding story in next step.
      As others pointed out, when “bats”, in stead of “red kingfisher”,
      is used, it creates another fantasy vision inside the forest.
      Then this new image is automatically expanded.

  3. as Ursula says about this poem: a (red) kingfisher “fliting” over a forest pond offers color, motion and perhaps a certain sensation. in this familiar context, i think one can easily imagine a possible conclusion, or goal of the kingfisher? therefore, the meaning of the poem seems to depend on the word “threatening”. however, because ” threatening” is a bit abstract, i wonder if it’s too open-ended to help the reader make a leap like one Stephen has suggested?

  4. first day of spring –

    snowflakes’ dancing revelry

    in the morn sunlight

    This is the haiku I wrote on the sunny morning of first day of spring. Between the curtains at the window I saw snow-flake like white stuff in a swift motion, opened up the curtain to get its full view, I saw joyly moving snowflakes even in whirling fashion, and that in the bright morning sun instead of dark gloomy snow sky, the flakes were shining as if in rejoice. Early springof 2010.

    • This is a refreshing picture, Akira! ‘morn’ is alright as a noun, but doesn’t work well as an adjective. It would have to be ‘sunny morn’ or ‘morning sunshine’. That’s all I’ll say for now. ほかの方、英語でも日本語でもコメントをよろしく!

      • Akiraさんの俳句は、早春の美しい情景を切り取っているように思えます。

      • Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

        Akira-san’s snowflakes reminded me another snowflake, which is lonely and fascinating. I mean this is a flower of the wind (kaza-bana in Japanese風花).
        temptation
        of the distant mountains:
        a snowflake

      • I feel in Hisashi’s poem about a snowflake the enticement of a mountaineer (HM) by the mountains (from where the snowflake comes). The snowflake makes him want to go climbing again?

      • I appreciated how Akira and Hisashi’s poems presented the different nature of snowflakes.

        Akira presents the liveliness of his snowflakes. In fact, the word “revelry” seems to point out the life/action of these snowflakes, beyond a simple flurry, in what could be a festive moment (the morning of the first day of spring).

        Hisahi’s snowflake seems to be mysterious. After the first phrase suggests a pull from the “distant mountain”, the snowflake appears. Is it beckoning too, or is it forewarning? Hmm…I wonder what decision will be made?

  5. Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

    Yes, Tito. But I like both his revelry dancing snowflakes and my snowflake. The latter comes one by one when it disappears. I’m wondering why I’m here in the town!

  6. Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

    having to face
    against north wind:
    Thanks!

    • Gratitude for having to brace oneself against the cold. Masochism? No. A mountaineer’s verse again; yet I too felt how wonderful the winter wind was yesterday!
      The definite article before ‘north’ would be more natural and slightly more personified. I wonder what others feel?

      By the way, would you like to have a look through the ‘New Submissions’ page and choose three to five you like to post as this year’s first ‘Icebox inbox’? I won’t have time until late in the month, and there are probably enough good ones since Gerald chose back in the autumn.

  7. I wonder when a YBC class member will next post an experimental haiku for discussion here?!

  8. Thank you all for so many responses and interpretaions on my early spring day excitement, shared by you each in unique way. I was struck with the contrast of bright sunny morning against snowflakes, representing cold weather, yet flakes themselves seemed elated or joyful of what may come next: spring.

  9. Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

    ten medicines
    in its underground stem
    the stinking weed

    Quiz: What is this weed?

    • Kazue guesses ‘breastweed’ (dokudami). I guess marijuana. Sorry to have overlooked your riddle for a month.

      • Hisashi Miyazaki Says:

        Kazue-san is right, thanks. The weed is also called juyaku (十薬), ten medicines. Not marijuana, illegal here!

  10. Still burnig sun
    No sound of cicadas
    Time is passing

    • Your name (Andante) is a riddle. Hmmm, … someone who likes classical music? I guess Eiko Morishima!
      ‘though’ might be good at the beginning of line 2 to tie the first two lines together.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: